JERKULES

I tried to make a joke about Hercules

but I couldn’t. I realized it was coming

from a bad place. I am jealous of

Hercules. I am jealous of all his friends.

I am jealous of everything he did. And

mostly I am jealous of the fact that

nobody ever forgets. Anything.

Everyone remembers Hercules.

They think he’s great. They say

OH OH YEAH HERCULES. Twelve

labors. OH WOW. And I have labors

too. I Mean I think of them as labors.

But not twelve. More like twelve million.

And I just keep doing them. 13 million.

I’m not proud of them. And I wish everybody

would forget all my labors I do but nobody

ever forgets any of them either. I am jealous

of their memory. I am jealous of their strength.

I get angry when they say Do you remember

the time.They are like Hercules. Everyone thinks

they’re so great and I’m not like they’ve never made

a mistake and they are all powerful. Watch them take

off their shirts. Watch Hercules take off his shirt. Watch

everybody laugh while I take off my shirt. Watch me

whine. Watch me call him Jerkules. I can’t take it.

This must stop. The sound you hear now is the sound

of muscles being poured down the drain.